Fighting through the pain April 14th, 2019

Each day this week and last has been slightly painful and also hard to grin and bear it through my pain and anxiety. The window washers are back at work again cleaning the really tall high rise I work in. I didn’t sleep much last night, both due to a comment made at work as well as a child that had only her second accident in a couple of months time. She has done so well staying dry it is like a switch went on and she knows how to wake herself up now; well at least most of the time .

Did you know I was 16 when my step father died as a window washer? He died during a time in my life that was really important to have that parental figure in my life. He had been married to my mom for 10 years when he passed away.

I have anxiety and depression. I have been battling against them for a while now. The window washers at work definitely add to my already heightened awareness related to my fear of heights and small confined spaced. Do you blame me, I lost an influential man in my life when I was a teenager to being a window washer.

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Have you ever tried to describe them to someone who you love? Well that was me a week or so ago as I spoke to a wonderful girlfriend over dinner. I couldn’t put it into words other than to call it a higher heart rate and a near hyperventilating that lasts a long time along with the feeling of if I could just puke maybe I would feel better. I don’t like these attacks and I would love for them to just magically stop. Likely not to happen especially with window washers hanging off my place of work by a rope or two.

Recently my mother told me to pray for them. That I can do but how do I also pray for my anxiety attacks to stop as I am watching these guys risk their lives outside of windows I am right next to all day at work. It is also hard as everyone in the office is so intrigued by watching the window washers. I am then pulled in to look out there and see what they are talking about. Have I mentioned we have an open concept work setup now? Yep, beautiful views of the downtown Minneapolis skyline from floor 24. That is a lot my stories higher than it took for my step father to die at work. Yep in fact it was only 2 that took his life. I do a lot of looking out the windows but not looking down as I just cannot do heights well without the fear of heights jumping into my throat. Do elevators scare you because they go really high up and are closed in small spaces? Oh yep, me I am afraid of them. And I ride them daily and pray that I don’t get stuck in them as I am very afraid of closed in small spaces… I hyper ventilate when things feel like they are closing in around me!

More fodder for my therapy sessions…

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